Why did this happen to me, and why now? I am only 27, play sports, stay active and **try** to eat healthy. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by my current state that I’m not sure whether it’s more helpful to pray, cry or hold my wife’s hand and trust that tomorrow will be better. One day, life feels somewhat normal or “easier” and I am feeling well emotionally, then the next day I’ll be sad.
I think it goes in cycles- similar to waves crashing on the beach. On Lake Michigan there are calm days where you can Stand Up Paddle board, take a leisurely swim or wakeboard on glass-like water (a rare experience unless you enjoy jumping in very cold water). Then a storm can come out of nowhere, the wind whips up and the waves crash and churn violently. Some people even jump into these whitecap waves in thick wetsuits to catch a choppy, yet still surf-able Michigan wave. Just last week, t waves were measuring eight feet- certainly something I wouldn’t jump into- wetsuit or not.
I think about the brain, how complex it is and how much activity there is going on all the time. In my case, I was hooked up to an EEG machine so that techs, doctors and epileptologists could monitor my frontal lobe (and entire brain likely) to see the “spikes” in activity. Some I had were focal seizures, meaning I would twitch, glaze over and was paranoid about certain things; some were subclinical seizures (not noticeable to me or others), and others were labeled as abnormal brain activity.
While tethered to the machine, I imagine the doctors looking at the monitors/screens, and wondering if I was going to seize again or if I needed different medication dosages. I also wonder whether the spikes on their screens were common, concerning, or if there was improvement (basically I just wanted to go home, outside, or get out of bed at this point).
If there is one thing I have learned this summer it is that God’s grace is unending. It is deeper than I can fathom. I must also experience my own weakness in full before I’ll understand the depth of God’s grace for me. It is for these truths that I am so thankful. I know that no matter what I do, how much I fail or how weak I become, Jesus will always be standing at the shore, His arms open wide, welcoming me back into His grasp. All I need to do is swim to shore.
Love you all, appreciate your prayers, and thank you for reading.
You rule over the surging sea: when its waves mount up, you still them.