I am constantly conflicted. How can you be thankful for an experience like this? I KNOW this is for the greater Glory, and that we are Kingdom Building through our testimony but I’m still struggling to accept that this is actually our story. I want it and I don’t all at the same time. Does this make any sense at all?
Apparently it takes being brought to my knees to learn that these aren’t my legs to stand on anyways. God is pulling me towards Himself, towards who I was created to be. But I am so angry about it. I didn’t ask for this lesson. I know that in the long run I will be better because of this but I still find myself asking why. In my heart I know that this is good, but my brain is still catching up.
I can fully recognize that God is bringing me to the end of myself so I can collapse into His arms, but still I fight it. I still don’t want it. Why isn’t it enough for me to know that God is changing me? Why is “easy” what I want? Life before this was easy. It was routine and predictable and safe. And sometimes all I want is to feel safe again. But it was also selfish, lazy and complacent; just going through the motions.
I feel like one of the blessings of this experience is getting a glimpse at specific attributes of who God is. Specifically, I am learning about His humility. I think I am learning what it is to be truly humbled (am I being the opposite by saying that though?) I didn’t realize my struggle with pride until people started offering to help us. Why is it our first instinct to refuse help? Why do I think I need to show everyone how much I can handle on my own? That’s the beauty of this though. I could likely do this on my own but I don’t have to. And this was the tipping point for me. I don’t have to do this alone.